What did the ghost of Queen Elizabeth say as it floated into the terrified woman's bedroom?
Don't worry, I'm just passing through!

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well next time remember where you put things!
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?
Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms!

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips!

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ether we can rule the world!

Teacher: What's big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mothers day?
Pupil: The school bus!

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What?, and get bitten!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat?
He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row!

What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
I don't know, I wasn't invited!

What did they wear at the Boston Tea Party?
T-Shirts!

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His wife!

What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?
You can't keep a good man down!

Who designed Noah's ark?
An ark-itect!

When did Caesar reign?
I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did, didn't they hail him?

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine.

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Because he was dead!

What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?
A year older on his birthday!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload. An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: My little sister ate it!

Teacher: Why were you late?
Pupil: Sorry, teacher, I overslept.
Teacher: It's three in the afternoon!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?
Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: Our furnace stopped working and we had to burn it to stop ourselves from freezing

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

Where did knights learn to kill dragons?
At knight school!

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?
Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?
Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

What tables don't you have to learn?
Dinner tables!

Why was the headmaster worried?
Because there were too many rulers in school!

Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because his class was so bright!

1st Roman Soldier: What is the time?
2nd Roman Soldier: XX past VII!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils!

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!

Why did the Romans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!

When a knight in armor was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
William the Corn-cutter!

What English King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate!

What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?
When they had lots of sleepless knights!

How do bees get to school?
By school buzz!

How did you do in your tests?
I did what George Washington did!

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Teacher: You copied from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you put "Me, neither"!

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!

What was that?
Went down in history!

Do you know the 20th President of the United States?
No, we were never introduced!

Teacher, I can't solve this problem.
Any five year old should be able to solve this one.
No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
Had a byte!

Little Monster: I hate my teacher.
Mother Monster: Well just eat your salad up then dear!

"What's the matter with your dinner?"
"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor later what I've eaten!"

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood, he had to walk 7 miles to school everyday.
Well he should have got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!

Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?
Pupil: The sausage!

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always repeating herself!

Teacher: Did your parents help you with these homework problems?
Pupil: No I got them all wrong by myself!

What kinds of tests do they give witches?
Hex-aminations!

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea?
Son: She took it like a lamb
Teacher: Really?, what did she say?
Son: Baa!

What do history teachers make when they want to get together?
Dates!

What do old men talk about?
The good old days!

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince?
Old King Coal!

Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why not ever?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Fred came home from his first day at school.
"Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her"

What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?
She draws a smack!

Who was the biggest thief in history?
Atlas, he held up the whole world!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

What did Noah do for a job?
He was an arkitecht!

What's that fly doing in my gravy?
Looks like the breast stroke!