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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?
Because it's tide! Who was the Black Prince? The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything? No, what about him? Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball! Where does a general keep his armies? Up his sleevies! Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway! What kind of fish can't swim? Dead ones! Why do polar bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in parka!  ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see! Why did the teacher put the lights on? Because the class was so dim! How did Vikings communicate? By norse code! Teacher: How much is half of 8? Pupil: Up and down or across? Teacher: What do you mean? Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0! What is a forum? Two-um plus two-um! What kinds of tests do they give witches? Hex-aminations! Father: What did the teacher think of your idea? Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really?, what did she say? Son: Baa! What do history teachers make when they want to get together? Dates! What do they talk about? The good old days! Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea? Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf! What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat! What has stripes and pulls a tractor? A caterpillar tractor! What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow! What's green and dangerous? A caterpillar with a machine gun! What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar! What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps! Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs! Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher! How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light! How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs! How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted! What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been! When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?
Because they're crab apples! What do you call a dog owned by Dracula? A blood hound! What keeps ghouls happy? The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining! What do you call a demon who slurps his food? A goblin! What do you have to take to become a coroner? A stiff exam! What does a cannibal eat with cheese? Pickled organs! What did the cannibal say when he was full? ''I couldn't eat another mortal!'' ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up! What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over? Bruce! Why do witches wear pointy black hats? To keep their heads warm! What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend? Hello gore-juice! What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard? To the other side! What do wizards stop for on the motorway? Witchhikers! What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard? Tyrannosaurus hex! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6 "You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8. "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich." Pam, age 7 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7 "The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9 "Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10 ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that? The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you! What has? Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! What's the name for a short legged tramp? A low down bum! Why did the man take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains! What's the difference between an American student and an English student? About 3000 miles! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half! Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? A: 'Claws.' Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger? A: A stri-ped! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A: A stripey sweater! Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? A: Frostbite! Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.' Q: What is lion's favorite food? A: Baked beings! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies. Q: Which job is a cow most suited for? A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly. Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk. Q: What band is a cow favorite? A: Moo-dy Blues ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Gold Card Talk Member |
Q:Why were the dark ages so dark.
A:Because of all the Knights. ____________________ With no power comes no responsibility. Clerks 2 |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Very good and funny AJJ27UK!
 Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out? Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir! Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later. Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache. Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings! What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian? They had a feast of fun! What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents! Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team? The ghoulscorer! Why did the witch give up fortune telling? There was no future in it! Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party? Because the feathers were still on the chicken! What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital? With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go! Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre! Q: Why do bears have fur coats? A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks! Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A: A teddy boar! Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A: A little bear! Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin! Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? A: Winnie the Pooh! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Gold Card Talk Member |
Q:Who is in charge of the tissues? A:The Hanky-chief ____________________ With no power comes no responsibility. Clerks 2 |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What is a ghost's favourite day of the week?
A: Frightday! Q: Where do Chinese vampires come from? A: Fanghai! Q: Why did the skeleton pupil stay late at school? A: He was boning up for his exams! Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club? A: Send your name, address and blood group! Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton? A: Bonehead! Q: What does the postman deliver to vampires? A: Fang mail! Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire too long? A: He became bone dry ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
A: He gets splinters in his mouth! Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A bull dog! Q: What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals? A: A guard dog! Q: What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A: A plain clothes police dog! Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk? A: Rid of the dog! Q: What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller? A: A computer with a lot of bites! Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A: A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead! Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep? A: A sheep that can round itself up! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
Cross mouse cards! What's the hardest part of milking a mouse? Getting it to fit over a bucket! Hickory hickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock The clock struck one But the rest got away with minor injuries What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant? Sir! What do mice do when they're at home? Mousework! What have 12 legs, six eyes, three tails and can't see? Three blind mice! What is small, furry and smells like bacon? A hamster! When should a mouse carry an umbrella? When it's raining cats and dogs! What's the definition of a narrow squeak? A thin mouse! Is there a mouse in the house? No, but there's a moose on the loose! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck the owl! Q: What is a polygon? A: A dead parrot! Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera? A: The parrots of Penzance! Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker! Q: What is a parrot's favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? A: 'The pheasants are revolting'! Q: What is the definition of Robin? A: A bird who steals! Q: When is the best time to buy budgies? A: When they're going cheap! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Happy Turkey day
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving! Q: What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? A: Plymouth Rock Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? A: The outside Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had the drumsticks. Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey? A: They suspected it of fowl play. Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? A: The turKEY Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted? A: Boy! I'm stuffed! Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? A: To keep his wigwam. Q: What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? A: He had an arrow escape. Q: How did the Mayflower show that it liked America? A: It hugged the shore. Q: How do you know your family is dysfunctional? A: If Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roasted turkey! Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! Q: What sound does a space turkey make? A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble! Q: If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? A: Their age! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day! Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg? A: It eggs-plodes! Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother? A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be! Q: Is chicken soup good for your health? A: Not if you're the chicken! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy? A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!" Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again? A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser! Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? A: Because he didn't have enough guts! Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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