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Platinum Card Talk Member |
For The Kids...
Q: What is cleverer than a talking cat? A: A spelling bee! Q: How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures? A: They never cry over spilt milk! Q: What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla? A: An animal that puts you out at night! Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? A: A sourpuss! Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army? A: They both wear stripes! Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? A: Because you can't bury them in trees! Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? A: He was trying to make both ends meet! Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower! Q: Why do dogs wag their tails? A: "Because no one else will do it for them!" Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot? A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw! Q: What is the dog’s favorite city? A: New Yorkie! Q: Who is the dog’s favorite comedian? A: Growlcho Marx! Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie? A: "Well, doggone!" Q: What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? A: He stole the show! Q: How can you tell if you have a stupid dog? A: It chases parked cars! Doctor, Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did! Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop! Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu! Didn't I see you yesterday? Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something? Yes - here's a kite! Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up! What do you get if you all sit under a cow? A pat on the head! What's the best way to make a bull sweat? Put him in a tight jumper! What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu! What kind of doctor treats ducks? A quack! What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate? Afer ewe! Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn! What do cows like to dance to? Any kind of moosic you like! Where do sheep get shorn? At the baa baas! What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole? A bullfrog! What did the young witch say to her mother? Can I have the keys to the broom tonight! What's the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick? Don't fly off the handle! Who turns the lights off at Halloween? The light's witch! What’s the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin? Ever tried broomstick pie? What do you call a wizard from outer space? A flying sorcerer! What is posthumous work? Something written by someone after they are dead! What is the most slippery country in the world? Greece! What is the strongest bird? A crane! What is the smelliest city in America? Phew York! What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas? A ladder in her stocking! Who was the best actor in the bible? Samson, he brought the house down! What cake wanted to rule the world? Atilla the Bun! Q: What is a dogs favorite flower? A: Anything in your garden! Q: What dog wears contact lenses? A: A cross-eyed spaniel! Q: What's a dog favorite hobby? A: Collecting fleas! Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal? A: That hit the spots! Q: What do you get if you cross a Rottweiller and a hyena? A: I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!  This message has been edited. Last edited by: Silverback, ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
How do skeletons call their friends?
On the telebone! Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin! Mummy, mummy what's a werewolf? Be quiet and brush your face! What parting gift did the werewolf parents give to their son when he left home? A comb! What is evil, ugly and goes at 125 mph? A witch on a high speed train! What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument? A trom-bone! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Bronze Card Talk Member |
LOL!!!
 The only joke that I can ever remember: Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work! Corny, I know... |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day?
Turns over a new leaf! What is the definition of a caterpillar? A worm in a fur coat! What has stripes and pulls a tractor? A caterpillar tractor! What does a cat go to sleep on? A caterpillow! What's green and dangerous? A caterpillar with a machine gun! What pillar doesn't need holding up? A caterpillar! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: Why did the queen bee kick out all of the other bees?
A: Because they kept droning on and on! Q: What do you call a bee born in May? A: A maybe! Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? A: A mumble bee! Q: Where do bees keep their money? A: In a honey box! Q: What TV station do bees watch? A: Bee bee c one! Q: What did the bee say to the naughty bee? A: Bee-hive yourself! Q: Why did the bees go on strike? A: Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers! Q: Why do bees have sticky hair? A: Because of the honey combs! Q: What is black and yellow and buzzes along at 30,000 feet? A: A bee is an aeroplane! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What is the most breathless thing on television?
A: The Pink Panter Show! Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? A: A terrified postman! Q: When is a lion not a lion? A: When he turns into his cage! Q: What do cat actors say on stage? A: Tabby or not tabby! Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I'm paw! Q: What do you call a lioin who has eaten your mother's sister? A: An aunt-eater! Q: What do tigers wear in bed? A: Stripey pyjamas! Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Moderator |
Q: What is green and sings?
A: Elvis Parsley Q: What is green and flies? A: Super Pickle Q: What do you call an insect on the moon? A: A lunar tick Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: You take away his credit card Just a few I remember from my childhood! Mike. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck! What soldiers smell of salt and pepper? Seasoned troopers! Did you hear about the man who had BO on one side only? He bought Right Guard, but couldn't find any Left Guard! What has two humps and is found at the North Pole? A lost came! What do witches eat at Halloween? Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie! What's Dracula's car called? A mobile blood unit! What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on? A wear-wolf! Why did the witch go over the mountain? Because she couldn't go under it! Why didn't the skeleton want to play football? Because his heart wasn't in it! If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be? Out for the count! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Silver Card Talk Member |
What to you call a fish with no eye??
a FSHHHHH How was break dancing started?? Kids trying to steal hub caps off moving cars. What's green and red and goes 100 miles an hour? A frog in a blender. ____________________ Checklist League 2007!!! |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie! What's Dracula's car called? A mobile blood unit! What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on? A wear-wolf! Why did the witch go over the mountain? Because she couldn't go under it! Why didn't the skeleton want to play football? Because his heart wasn't in it! If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be? Out for the count! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold
Don't worry it's just a gilt complex! Doctor, Doctor I've broken my arm in two places Well don't go back there again then! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy! Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm turning into a frog Your just playing too much croquet! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a yo-yo. Are you stringing me along! Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
How do you save a drowning mouse?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation! Where do hamsters come from? Hamsterdam! What's a mouse's least favorite record? What's up Pussycat! Why do mice need oiling? Because they squeak! What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'! What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair! What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese! What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and squeak! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? A stripey sweater! How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling? She's got that down in the mouth look! What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? A peeping tom! Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas? Because he has sandy claws! How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 'Pleased to eat you.'! What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? Frostbite! What is a French cat's favorite pudding? Chocolate mousse! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Member |
Q: Whats red and white and lifts weights?
A: An Extra Strength Asprin. lol  |
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Gold Card Talk Member |
I need new Knock-Knock jokes - all mine are tired and the kids have heard them 100 times ... HELP
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Member |
Knock, knock
Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here. Knock, knock Who's there? Kent Kent who? Kent you tell by my voice? Knock, knock Who's there? Jess Jess who? Jess me and my shadow knock knock. who's there? Atch. Atch who? Sorry, I didn`t know you had a cold. Knock, knock Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel working? I had to knock. Knock knock Who's there? Amos Amos who? A mosquito Knock knock Who's there? Anudder Anudder who? Anudder mosquito. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Utah. Utah who? U tal-king to me? Knock, knock Who's there? Who. Who who? Are you an owl? Knock, Knock Who's there? Goat Goat Who? Goat to the door and find out. Knock, Knock Who's there? Yahoo! Yahoo who? Yahoo Mountain Dew! Knock Knock Who's there? Carl. Carl who? Car'l get you there faster than a bike. Knock Knock Who's there? Tiss. Tiss who? Tiss who is good for blowing your nose. Knock, Knock Who's there? Canoe. Canoe, who? Canoe come over and play? Knock, Knock Who's there? Yodel-lay-he. Yodel-lay-he-who? I didn't know you could yodel. Knock, Knock Who's there? Sarah. Sarah who? Sa-rah phone I could use? Knock knock Who's there? Radio. Radio who? Radi-o not, here I come. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Leaf. Leaf Who? Leaf me alone. Here you go. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message! Q: What do you call a very rude bird? A: A mockingbird! Q: Where do birds meet for coffee? A: In a nest-cafe! Q: How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely? A: With it's sparrowchute! Q: What is green and pecks on trees? A: Woody Wood Pickle! Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot? A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground? A: A mynah bird! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Gold Card Talk Member |
Ah - many thanks. Course my Mr. Smarty Pants had to say "I know that one" for a couple, but for the most part, I got laughs
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?
A: A catacomb! Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway? A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow! Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? A: Shredded tweet! Q: Why do tomcats fight? A: Because they like raising a stink! Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit? A: They are both ginger nuts! Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea? A: A catameringue! Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat? A: A caterpillar! Q: What do you get if you cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese? A: A Peking Tom! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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Platinum Card Talk Member |
Q: Why did the owl, owl?
A: Because the woodpecker would peck 'er! Q: What is a polygon? A: A dead parrot! Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera? A: The parrots of Penzance! Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker! Q: What is a parrot's favorite game? A: Hide and Speak! Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated! Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor? A: 'The pheasants are revolting'! Q: What is the definition of Robin? A: A bird who steals! Q: When is the best time to buy budgies? A: When they're going cheap! ____________________ "What if this is as good as it gets?" --WORSE--What if it doesn't get any better! What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. |
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